Day 51 - A Smoking Diary Update

Day 51- Wow! I cannot believe its been that long already, my how time flies when your jonesing for a smoke. I am still a mess, super emotional, lots of anger, depression, sadness and edginess. It seems like everyone is out to piss me off (they are not really, I'm sure, but that how life looks through withdrawal goggles). I hate feeling like this, its not me at all, at least I hope its not.

I'm sure some of it has to do with the state of my life right now. I hate not having some kind of plan or focus for my life. As long as I have a goal, I am the tenaceous mountain goat, scrambling her way to the top of the challenge. Without somewhere to focus that energy, I am the balloon that got away just before you got the knot in it, bouncing off the walls in a wild frenzy till I'm spent and deflated.

Ive spent the last two weeks packing and moving everything I own and putting it into storage. I ended up filling a twenty foot container to the brim. The scary thing is, almost nothing in there is furniture, its just all stuff.It all seems useful and has a purpose but I could just as easily not need any of it. I wonder if I will ever see any of it again? I have no idea what to do next. I liked having my own home and living on the water. I dont want to give up the dream of having what I want, but without a crystal ball to tell me if its coming my way or not and when, I don't know how much to commit to getting into a lease situation on an apartment or house.

I really like having my own space. While I appreciate the company of a roomate, I prefer my own home. Even apartments I find constricting and annoying with their no pet rules and noisy neighbors. I can be quite the hermit to be honest, I need my own hermit cave. Hmmm... I'm picturing it already, the little stream running past the front door,pretty vines climbing around the entrance,birds serenading me from the trees,....sigh.

Oh where was I? Right, so not sure what to do next. I cant stay at Ricks for much longer, I am definately in the way here. The cost to rent a normal place in Vancouver is astronomical and I dont want to keep moving in and out of places. I might end up living in my van for awhile until I see where life takes me. It will allow me to save some money so that if a good opportunity does come up I have the means to make it happen.

I bought my cat a harness and leash today so if it does come to that, I can get him out for walks and fresh air. I feel guilty about the cat. He has been cooped up in my bedroom for the last two weeks. Rick has a cat that gets quite distraught with other cats around, so to keep the peace, I've kept Casper locked up. I have taken him back to the marina several times so he can run and stretch his legs and have a good play with David. He really seems to enjoy these outings and he sleeps like a log afterwards.

I had started going to the gym on a regular basis with all good intentions. That lasted for a few weeks, but the last two weeks have been hectic with work and moving. I've still managed to lose five pounds since New Years and keep it off, so I am happy with that. I would like to get back on track though as I was training for a sprint triathalon and was really curious to see if I could go the distance or not.

In the spirit of getting off my ass, I bought a pair of boys hockey skates at a second hand store and want to go for a skate at the speed skating oval. I have never tried boys skates before, I used to be a figure skater. I wonder how much I will miss the pick? I'm thinking a lot, but it will be interesting to see. I just cant wait to get on the ice. It's probably been 30-40 years since I last skated but I often have dreams where I can skate beautifully and it feels so good and graceful to do. I'm sure the reality will look like staggering, flailing and a sore bum but I'm eager to give it a go. Silly me :)

And speaking of my youth, I was tracked down on facebook by an old friend of mine recently. We had first met when I was 18 living in Lahr Germany during my air force brat days. I have run into her several times over the years. We both lived in Chilliwack for a while in the early 80's and later both migrated to Vancouver for awhile. We lost touch for years when I went out to Quebec,but found each other again around 2000. When I left to go to the fishing resort a few years later, we lost each other again. Last night I was invited to her sisters house for a special Christmas dinner with all their friends. What a hoot! Awesome full course turkey dinner, lots of belly laughs and so great to reconnect with people that I thought were cool 30 years ago, and am still proud to call my friends.

Its too bad they didn't have facebook when we were growing up. We were commenting on how lucky we felt we were to have had childhoods without video games and internet to distract us but the one downfall of a military lifestyle was the moving on of friends.I lost touch with so many people in my life because the technology wasn't there to make it easy. Luckily some of that has changed recently. I was inspired by my friend tracking me down, so I started to search for other people from my past and found quite a few. Its been so great to find out what ever happened to them and to find out, that they had thought of me in return. Nice to know, someone noticed my life here on earth.