Saturday, July 30, 2011

Yesterdays News

Well it seems my life isn't exciting enough these days. Most people start their day with toast and coffee. I started mine with a 50 force tactical squad aiming rifles at my head. Yes, this true. No this is not a joke.

I was lying in bed yesterday morning watching Amy Winehouse ( such a tragedy!) singing Back to Black, when I heard voices outside on a loudspeaker. I couldn't make out what they where saying because my music was a bit loud and at first I just thought it was a tugboat radio. As the song was winding down , I started to make out what they where saying. They were calling for Dave to come out of his house with his hands up. Curious, I got up and went downstairs to look out the window on the dock side. I saw a shadowy figure moving in between the storage containers above us but couldn't see anyone on the dock. Thought maybe I was hearing things so went back upstairs. Then I hear again, This is the police, come out with your hands in the air. WTF???

I ran to the back room upstairs and looked out the window to see a zodiac with half a dozen flak-jacket wearing policemen aiming assault rifles at my window. They told me I had to come out of the house with my hands up, and that the place was surrounded. At this point I am totally confused. This is like a bad movie or something. I know I have done nothing wrong, so can't imagine why a riot squad of police want to drag me out of my house. I call David and ask him if he has heard the loudspeakers calling for him. (He is fairly deaf, so chances are he hadn't, it took me a while before I got up to see what the racket was about). He actually hadn't so looked out his window and saw three zodiacs full of cops and guns pointing at him. He told me not to worry, he was going out to see what the fuss was about.

In the meantime, I quickly put on a dress and shawl, grabbed my cell phone and keys. Before I could get to the stairs, they were calling my name and telling me to come out. How the fuck do they know my name, I'm thinking??  I came out, locked the door behind me to protect my cats inside and start down the dock with my hands up to show I just had my phone and keys in them. I started to lower my hands at one point and was told to keep them up. There was guns at my back and front as they watched me coming up the ramp. I felt tremendous calm at the time. I know there is no reason for them to be here, we have done nothing wrong. For Christ sake, I am am old, fat, massage therapist. Honest as the day is long and totally gentle. Why would anyone be staring down a barrel at me with a twitchy trigger finger?

They were going to frisk me and maybe handcuff me when one of the officers told the other that it was pretty obvious I didn't have any weapons on me ( I was wearing a fairly diaphanous sleeveless dress that you could probably see right through) So instead they escorted me out into the street. It was only when I got there, that I saw the true scope of the operation. There were 8-10 police vehicles, a truck with a squad of armed men, the whole property was crawling with police, police dogs and more cop cars were speeding down the road at us as I watched.

It became apparent that a whole bunch of them were heading down the ramp to search my house, so I begged them to take the keys and not break down the door, or harm my cats that were inside. An extremely nervous looking cop pointed his rifle at me and asked if I was armed. A bunch more of them turned and started coming towards me. Panicked, I did the only thing I could think of.....I flashed them! Thats right, hauled my dress up right over my head, screaming,. I am not armed!!!! Put your guns down! The look on their faces was priceless... one of turned away saying " well you didn't have to do THAT!"  Sorry guys , didn't mean to wreck your day, I know I'm no prize to look at , but needed to show you that I wasn't someone you had to be scared of. Mr Twitchy Finger was scaring the fuck out of me. I looked him right in the eye and tried to calm him down. Just told him," look there is nothing to worry about, there is no weapons, no drugs, no dogs, nothing wrong going on and nothing to be scared of. Just take my keys, be mindful of my home and look and see."

At that point, someone decided I would be better detained in the back seat of one their cars. Got to tell you, not a lot of room back there. Feel sorry for big people. They held us for half and hour or so while they terrified the neighborhood and searched all our premises. Finding nothing, they all just melted away like nothing ever happened. No sorry about that Ma'am or anything, just here's your keys , you can go home now, thanks for cooperating.....sheesh, like I had a choice...I'm not arguing with an Uzi.

So how was your day, anything interesting in the news? I think I'm going to go have a meltdown now, as I realize how close I came to getting shot if someone had got nervous or misunderstood my motives.


rob said...

Hmmmmmmmm! I can`t top that but I did have a heammerhhoidectomy, does that count :o))

Jamie said...

Wow - that's quite a story. Love your aplomb in flashing them - nerves of steel, lady!