Monday, December 15, 2008

Bah Humbug

I dont know whats the matter with me lately, Ive been in a real funk. Maybe its my imminent 50th birthday looming, or menapausal hormones or maybe its just a bad case of SAD (seasonal affective disorder)but I cant seem to get excited about much these days.

I love my boat but the extensive repairs needed on it are sucking the life out of me. More and more I picture myself chopping it up for firewood and moving back into an apartment or something. I really want a home of my own,one thats everything I ever dreamed of but as I took the grasshopper role in the drama of life, I am ill prepared finacially to accomplish that.

I dont know why this is so important to me. It must be all the moving I did growing up. The sense of constant instability has made me crave that which I could never have,a stable home that I could retreat to and feel nurtered within. I can picture it, just cant seem to manifest it.

I feel like I live in a paralell universe where I look through the windows of peoples lives and see them in their own home surrounded by family, children,friends,contemplating their retirement with winters in the tropics and wonder how did I manage to miss it all?

No long term marriage ,no children, no stablity, no home and no retirement for me.
I have had other blessings in my life like travel and many interesting experiences but now the grasshopper wants to come in and put her feet up by the fire.

It seems I am at another crossroad in my life but have no idea where or what to do next. Every time I try and take control of my destiny, it never goes as planned. I love the surprises the universe throws at me and try to not deal on my attachment issues but its an exhausting way to live. One foot over the edge of a cliff is what it feels like. I need/want/desire more balance in my life. A crystal ball would be nice too.

Im sorry, dont mean to sound like a moaner,I have lots to be grateful for in life,just feeling a little directionless right now and figured by getting this off of my chest I can shake this off and move on. I must make like a feather and see where the winds of change blow me next. Hopefully its a soft landing!


rob said...

Here I sit at my compbox with my "sad" light blasting out its rays, so you see, you are not alone! Its that time of the year! "we can all live through others but we still end up in a single bed". Its what we do with our lives while we are here that matters, both to us and others! I have no doubt that people look at what you are doing/have done ( probably sitting around their fire surrounded with kids, in their own home)smothered with responsibility, mortgages loans,school fees, insurance, etc and think I wish I had done that with my life ,look at all that freedom, her own boat, total freedom of choice, everything they may have secretly ever wanted. Refurbishing a wooden boat is a time consuming and can be a heartbreaking exercise,I know I have done a couple, but we never listen and go ahead anyway. I`m a carpenter and joiner by indentured apprenticeship (old style) and wouldn`t now touch another wooden ship as I now see them as so much firewood, I go cold at the thought of the magnitude of what you have already achieved with yours, let alone what you still have to do.I think your float house idea is the best, but you still have to make your boat saleable first so as to do that and when its finished as with all of us, we then regret selling them. Take care, keep warm and look upwards with your chin out, and shoulders back! walk forwards not backwards and learn what optomism is. Remember 50 is the new 35 :o))and there is always something new around the corner! Happy holidays and choose the right corner :o))

cyberangel said...

Thanks Rob , you are so right. Its all in how you look at things.I think it was a hormonal surge as Im feeling better these days. I just have my moments where I feel totally overwhelmed by it all. It looks like David may of found me a 23x 24 foot float to work on. I wont be getting it until February sometime but its a spark of hope. Thanks for staying in touch and reading my babblings, Happy holidays and all the best for the New year to you and your family

rob said...

And wishing the same to to you and yours Rhianna. The float sound ideal! give it a good going over with new plate (over here we use heavy plate to temporary to cover holes in the road and so with a few dollars in the right direction plates can be made available from Plant companies who hire them out and need the occasional revenue) where needed and loads of bitumous epoxy (epoxy pitch)and away you go!Three months to get the frame up and the roof on and a lifetime to finish (who was it that said that? Sir Chistopher Wren, when he built St Pauls? Nah! or was it Goudi with Barcelona cathedral) Best of luck with your float house endevours I hope you can find an economic and idealic mooring.