The Breakup Letter

Tana found an article in the Ubyssey newsletter the other day about the authors "breakup" with snow. It was a hilarous read, thanks for that Tana. It inspired me to write my own breakup letter to cigarettes.


The Breakup Letter

Dear Cigarette,

I’m sorry its come down to this, but I think its best if we go our own way. I don’t want to be rude, but you can’t take a hint so I will have to be blunt.

I’d like to say it’s not you, it’s me…. but, it’s not, it is you! Frankly you stink. You take my breath away but not in a good way. You offend my friends and neighbors, everything I own reeks of your filthy stench, and you distract me all day long with your stupid “smoke breaks” so I never get anything done.

I’ve asked you nicely to butt out when I’m in the car, but you insist on being a part of every drive. I’ve told you it’s embarrassing for me when all my massage sheets reek of smoke, but you just can’t keep away from them. I think you have a thing for all my fabrics in general and that, kind of creeps me out to be honest.

Every time we go to a party, I have to keep you company out on the porch all night and end up missing most of the festivities. You leave your un-recyclable, un-breakdown-able filters, lying around everywhere like dirty used condoms. You’re a PIG! Oh yeah, and my lungs hate you! They may never have said so to your face, but they shriveled in disgust every time you came to visit them. For hours after, they would cough and heave in an effort to rid themselves of your foul cologne.

Oh, I know it wasn’t like that in the beginning. I still remember when we first met. You were the cool guy that would come around my parents’ parties. I was intrigued but too young to understand the attraction you had for me. Finally we were properly introduced at my school in grade 6. I felt so honored that you would include me in your exclusive circle of uber cool friends.

Our first meeting didn’t go all that well as I was so nervous, that after chain-smoking six of you, I went home and puked for hours. I got over my shyness though, and went on to become very close friends with you. Oh the times we had. Back then we hung out in bars, restaurants, movie theatres, grocery stores. Really anywhere we wanted to. We were so cool, no- one thought to tell us how rude we were by displaying our affection for each other everywhere we went. I cringe whenever I think of those times now.

You were my lover, my best friend, my ally in tough times, my backbone when I felt weak, and the best diet I’ve ever been on, so it hurts me to do this. However your behaviour of late is getting out of hand. You keep upping your price, my lungs are threatening to walk out on me, and you are way too clingy. I am reminded of you constantly by the stench of those rotten chemicals you hang out with. Could you have not gone green along with the rest of the world…sheesh! You really need to clean up your act. I can’t afford to be friends with you anymore. It’s you or my health, job and friends. I’m sorry but you lose.

By the way, you owe me about a gazillion dollars and a new set of lungs. I doubt Ill ever see that from you, your such a cheapskate. Please don’t contact me again. I want to make a fresh start with my new habit. You don’t know him. His name is exercise and he hangs out at the gym. Your kind isn’t welcome there, so stay away and leave us alone. And take your friend alcohol with you. I don’t mind hanging out with him on occasion, but I don’t want him taking your place. I’m hanging with a new crowd now, habits that respect me, me and the environment.

So been nice knowing you, don’t trip on the way out. And seriously, stop trying to wheedle your way back into my life. My mind is made up. Your no good for me and never will be so just piss off already.

Truly and sincerely, Rhianna


And for my friends that didn't see the snow letter, here it is for your reading pleasure.



The breakup letter (Dear Snow…)

Tuesday, January 6th, 2009

Snow,
Could you sit down for a sec? I think we need to have a talk. Now,
don’t cry, but…I think it’s time I saw other weather systems.

Look, it’s not you, honestly. You’re amazing. I remember that
Saturday night last month when you showed up in my life. You were
beautiful. What we had was beautiful. You made my Christmas such
a memorable one. I’ll remember it forever, babe.

I’m just not ready for this sort of long-term relationship. Don’t
shout, please. I’m not implying that a one-night stand where you
melt away would have been better. It’s just that when I’m with you,
there’s no room for anything else. Buy new clothes, cancel plans with
friends, stay at home…you just want too much from me. I won’t say
it’s a hassle, but…it’s a daily adventure. We can still be friends. I hope
we stay friends—heck, I generally like seeing you. Just a little less of
you.

Frankly, I didn’t expect this would happen. If I wanted this type of
relationship, I would have gone to plenty of other universities. This
sort of thing is just more appealing as a mountain fantasy.
And Sunday night? That was the breaking point. You can’t just
show up like that without warning. That crossed the line. It’s getting
to the point of harassment and stalking. I had plans that night, buses
I needed to take, and then you show up and…forget it. There’s no use
arguing.

Seriously, I’d prefer if you left, snow. We’ve tried this for a month
now. It was fun at first, but now, it’s more hassle than it’s worth. I
want to go back to the life I had before. Your icy, exotic personality
was wild for a bit, but now I realize you’re just plain cold. I never
thought I’d say this, but I think I’ll be happy to see rain.

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