Tuesday, March 9, 2010

I'm Not a Quitter

...but some things needed to be let go of. I'm also not affliated with any religeon in particular but I do find some of their customs interesting. I like the idea of Lent where you give something up for 40 days. This year I chose chocolate. It may not sound like a big deal to you, but I love the stuff and eat some every day. Chocolate whip cream in my hot chocolate every morning to start my day is followed by at least one chocolate bar and usually a piece of chocolate cake or a brownie before the day is done. It has been a challenge to satisfy my sweet tooth without resorting to chocolate. My main treat these days has been cinnamon hearts.

As if denying myself chocolate wasn't bad enough, I have quit smoking for the fourth and final time. I recently had a checkup and the Dr. informed me that my hemaglobin was very high. Apparently my lungs are so clogged that my body has made extra hemaglobin to try and grab what little oxygen that managed to filter through the goo. He said if I don't quit now, I will probably be dead in 10 years. I have noticed that I have been quite breathless alot lately and that was the wakeup call I needed to deal with this.

My health has taken a shit kicking in the last month. I have been dealing with another pinched nerve in my neck for the last three weeks. It's not quite as agonizing as last summer but just by a degree or two. Luckily work has been slow as I can only manage one or two clients a day at most. Last Sunday just as I was finishing up my first client of six, I developed severe chest pains. Long story short, I was whisked to the hospital by ambulance, given a battery of tests and xrays and sent home 10 hours later. It wasn't a heart attack but had all the symptoms of one. I can only think it must of been another pinched nerve that inervates the muscles between the ribs.I'm grateful it wasn't more serious but wondering what my body is trying to tell me when so many of my nerves are so inflamed that I am in agony.

The last thing I gave up this month, was the thought that someday I might become a parent. I haven't had a period since November, so had the Dr. run a pregnancy test. Of course it was negative and I have to face the fact that I am finally in full menopause and a family of my own is completely out of the question. I kind of figured years ago, that I would never have children but until now there was always that small chance that a miracle would happen and I still might become a mother. Now I have to deal with the grief of knowing that it's not going to happen. Funny at my age I should be a grandmother, but never having children has left me feeling a little like Peter Pan, like I never quite finished growing up.

1 comment:

bowiechick said...

Aww! Big hugs to all the changes you are going through. I have to tell you that Fred, my physio urged me to go get these at Costco while I still could. At $12.95 I figured it was a worthy gamble.


Read up on all the testimonials. The idea is that you put the squishy balls in strategic spots and just breathe (like yogic breathing) and let the weight of
your body do the rest. Helps with people who suffer from chronic pain : TMJ, fibromyalgia,carpal tunnel...lower back pain.

Oh, and nice bike babe!